The Biebs

OK so this dude:

is super famous. His name is Justin Bieber and I have no idea what he does so I decided to write a fake biography about him.

So his name is Justin Heinrich Bieber and he was born in 1983. He looks super young because his parents wanted him to be a star so they gave him tons of botox when he was young. He has an older sister named Berta. She has some sort of weird medical disease where she grows dark wirey hair all over her face and body. The family doesn’t speak of Berta. To date there are no known pictures of Berta.

Anyway, fuck Berta, this post is about The Bieb. So yeah, he has these crazy parents who are convinced they need to be the parents of a star, and since Berta is hairy that means The Biebs. They inject him with all sorts of shit they bought on www.canadiandrugplaceyougetbadthings.net and he stays young looking forever. Then they decide he needs a talent so they give him a trumpet. He sucks at the trumpet so they give him a paintbrush. He impales himself on the paintbrush (he has some strange habits due to side-effects of his medication), so they get him an interesting haircut and a guest spot on iCarly . The very next week he was on the cover of Us Weekly and a candidate for President.

***UPDATE*** Our good friend, guest contributor, noted Bieber historian D. H. Moon, reminded me of a lot of information I was missing in my bio. See below:

I remember the time I sat on the edge of my seat wondering if they could safely get him out of that well! Thanks to the tireless work of the Wichita police department, he is still with us today.

And who can forget the day we heard the news that he had savagely beaten that photographer? We all knew the guy had it coming, you do NOT try to snap the Bieb when he is coming out of an intense four hour yoga session. I have heard that the guy still has trouble walking and can only mumble a few words. Remember how relieved everyone was when you heard the Bieb hired F. Lee Bailey? You just knew it was going to be okay. And it was!

Personally, I lost a bit of my admiration for him when he showed up drunk on the Today Show and threw up on Matt Lauer. I know a lot of people thought it was hilarious, but not me. I wrote to complain. I think that is when he was still dating Missy Elliott. Do you guys think she shot him in the foot, or do you believe the “official story” that he did it himself by accident? I think she did it.

Remember that time he shaved his head into male pattern baldness to raise awareness? And it was like a craze (for women too!) for a few months? That was nuts. I heard that Mario Lopez actually did it first, but the Bieb is the one who spawned everyone else to do it.

He really is one the more fascinating figures of our times.